In 20 years the Japanese will be just as fat as today’s super-sized Americans — although by that time the Americans will be even fatter.

A few years ago I blogged about my shock over the popularity of the McGriddle in America (seriously people, its not food) but it has turned into a best seller here in Japan as well. They have also introduced the MegaMac here in Japan. It’s basically a Big Mac with a two extra patties, and they literally can’t keep it in stock.

Two years ago Krispy Kreme opened its first outlet here and the lines are still hundreds of people long. An unending flow of petite 45kg Japanese girls wait for an hour in the cold to get to the front of the line and and then scurry off with their box of dozen glazed donuts: each one ready to cite without a hint of irony the conventional wisdom about how healthy the Japanese diet is.

Most nauseating and vile of all, however, has to be Pizza Hut’s new special crust. (I think this is a Japan only thing, but I could be wrong.) The outside rim othe the pizza crust is actually made from detachable, rolls or cheese that have been battered and deep-fried, and it comes with maples syrup that you are supposed to pour over the crust before eating.

The Japanese are currently the longest-lived people on Earth. I wonder if the next generation will be able to claim the same title.

The Japanese have this thing for heated toilet seats with built-in bidets. That’s all fine, but Toto has announced a partial recall of one of its more popular models because of a nasty tendency to burst into flame.

That’s gotta hurt.

The gullibility of Japanese girls is legendary. In fact, I’d just finished writing a newspaper article on that very subject when I stumbled across this.

Japanese Fooled in Poodle Scam

It seems that thousands of Japanese women have been sold “exotic poodles” only to discover that they were, in fact, sheep. (I mean the poodles. They literally were sheep. The women, on the other hand, only figuratively were sheep.)

The pet importers would have gotten away with it to, if not for those meddling kids! No, what tipped them off was when movie star Maiko Kawamaki appeared on a talk-show with her new poodle complaining that it would not bark or eat dog food.

This is a family-style restaurant that I saw in Yokohama the other day. For those of you who don’t read Japanese, the name of the place is Broccoli Land. Yes, it sounds every bid as bad in Japanese as it does in English. It’s the kind of place you would threaten your kids with.

“Now Jenny, if you clean up your room and are nice to your little brother, we’ll take you both to Disney Land, but if you don’t behave yourself, we’re going to Broccoli Land.”

“Nooooo! Don’t make me go to Broccoli Land. I’ll be a good girl. I promise!”

The kids don’t even have to know what the place is. The name alone sounds like torture.

Vietnamese girls have strong opinions about their Japanese counterparts. I’m not sure where the image comes from, but I had variations of this conversation with three different Vietnamese girls:

“So you’re American?”

Yeah, but I live in Japan.

“Oh, so do you have a Japanese girlfriend?”

Sure, dozens of them.

“I like Japanese girls. They’re really fashionable and beautiful.”

Really?

“Oh yes. They smile a lot and seem really sweet.”

They do? …Japanese girls?

Interestingly, it’s the girls who have these high opinions of Japanese girls. In general, Vietnamese guys have no comment one way of the other.

It seems Maid Cafes — where the waitresses dress as French maids wearing (I kid you not) cat ears — are becoming passe here in Tokyo.

Lately it seems the otaku boys lurking about Akihabara are hanging out in coffee shops where the waitresses treat them rudely and insultingly until they get up to leave. At his point, the girls become very affectionate and beg and plead with the customer not to leave or to at least promise to come back soon.

Of course, if the customer decides to stay and sits back down, the abuse begins again.

I got my new bankbook today, and it’s covered with Disney characters. This kind of branding used to strike me as strange, but with all the financial scandals going on these days, I suppose Micky Mouse and Goofy are indeed perfect representations of Japanese Banks.

Young Japanese ladies are being pampered at the new ear-cleaning boutiques that are opening up around Tokyo. (I’ve been in Tokyo so long, that didn’t even strike me as strange.) The full ear-cleaning takes an hour, and according to my friend “It’s better than sex!”

I’m sure it’s nice, but my friend really needs to get herself a better boyfriend.

Someone stole my Harley Davidson last night during the typhoon. Quite a professional job really. Lock was snapped, alarm removed and put neatly beside the cover and tie downs. I spent an hour in the local police office with three officers who seemed exhausted by the effort it took to fill out the report. Nice enough guys, though.

When we were done, they gave me this parting advice “We’ll do everything we can to find it, and we’ll be sure to call you if we do. There’s no need to contact us about it any more.”

How encouraging.

I was in Hawaii on business and (Huh? Yeah, business. A friend of mine just started a company there and…look I don’t have to explain this to you, OK?) The odd thing was that in my hotel in Waikiki (Yeah, Waikiki. … Because that’s where all the hotels are, that’s why! My friend’s office was 10 minutes from the hotel and. What? Well, the hotel was pretty much right on the beach, but all Waikiki hotels are pretty much right on the beach. Look, it was business, OK?! I really don’t have to justify this to you.)

Anyway, for the first two days the only time I heard any English in my hotel was when I was part of the conversation. It was like I had never left Japan. Waikiki is basically Omotesando with palm trees. Row after row of designer shops and Japanese window shoppers.

Providing further evidence that all of Asia is secretly governed by 12-year-olds, the AP reported that the Prime Minister has been forced to tell lawmakers not to read comic books and play with their cell phones while the Diet is in session.

TOKYO — Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi scolded rookie lawmakers Thursday for reading comic books and talking on their cell phones during legislative sessions, according to a newspaper report.

The national Asahi newspaper said Koizumi scolded 30 first-term lawmakers from his Liberal Democratic Party during a luncheon.

“Don’t send e-mail on your cell phones or read comic books in Parliament while in session,” Koizumi was quoted as saying.

“You can be seen very clearly from the prime minister’s seat. You should really stop that — it’s disgraceful.”

I can’t make up stuff this good!

From Kyodo News

A total of 162 carp have died due to carp herpes in moats located on the outside of the Imperial Palace in central Tokyo, the Environment Ministry announced Monday.

Another “Only in Japan” story from Kyodo News.

11 officials admonished for directing plane to land on closed runway

TOKYO — The transport ministry admonished 11 airport and government officials on Friday, including a supervisor for air traffic controllers, for instructing a passenger aircraft to land on a closed runway at Tokyo’s busiest domestic airport last month when all 18 controllers on duty forgot it was closed for maintenance.

The Japan Airlines plane, an Airbus 300 service from Obihiro, Hokkaido, with 51 passengers and crew aboard, landed on the runway at Haneda airport April 29.

Of course, that’s the end of the story. It’s possible that this is an example of extreme group think and gross incompetence — even by Japanese standards — but I don’t think so. All eighteen controllers on duty cannot simply “forget” that a runway has been closed.

Far more likely, someone higher up screwed up and has arranged things so he does not have to admit it.

The rioters in China are demanding that Japan apologize for the atrocities the Japanese army committed in World War II. Three days ago the Japanese government demanded that the Chinese government apologize for the the size and ferocity of the riots. Today the Hong Kong government demanded an apology from Asahi TV because of their “biased” coverage of the riots.

My theory is that all of Asia is secretly governed by 12-year-olds.

Most Japanese junior and senior high schools have rules prohibiting girls from dying or perming their hair. That’s fine, except for the small number of people who have naturally brown or wavy hair.

Most of the time these students must prove that the natural state of their hair is not straight and black, and they are left alone. However, many particularly zealous teachers and principals perversely interpret the rule agist dyed hair to mean that all students must have straight, black hair.

A student from Miyagi is suing the public school system for 5.5 million yen because after she refused to dye her natually-brown hair black — which would have violated the school rules — a teacher sprayed black dye on her. After the incident the school pressured her to drop out. (Remember this is a public school!) She has now transferred to a private school outside the prefecture where she will have to repeat 10th grade.

The principal of the high-school claimed they did not force the girl to quit, and stated that although the teacher in question may have acted excessively, there is no need for disciplinary action.

http://headlines.yahoo.co.jp/hl?a=20050408-00000213-yom-soci

Now this kind of thing happens fairly often in Japan. However, it only makes the news when a lawsuit is filed, which seems to be once every couple of years. What I find astounding, however, is that every time these stories are reported, they are treated in isolation. As if it was the day’s human-interest story with no connection to hundreds of other cases just like it.

For what it’s worth, the girls almost never win these cases. The judges and the population as a whole tend to feel sorry for them, but always tend to add. “But why didn’t she just dye her hair and solve the problem?” Likewise, the fact that the girl is now forced to attend a private school in another prefecture is considered the be unfortunate, but inevitable. It would be unthinkable to blame the principal or teacher in this situation.

Rules in Japan are not like rules in the west. Rules in Japan are not meant to be binding on the people who make them. Rules are simply one of several tools that can be used to control. They are invoked or ignored as appropriate for a given situation.

Somehow I ended up at a Goth party in the early hours of New Years day. The party was pretty cool, and although I was dressed in normal street clothes, no one really cared. Most of the bullshit attitude you find in San Francisco is thankfully absent in Japan. People are just people.

No matter how long I stay here, girls’ fashions still amuse me. A few Japanese goth girls with heavy back eye shadow and lipstick, dressed in black leather and fishnet stockings, and wearing jewelry with spiky bits pointing out every which way, were walking around cuddling white, push stuffed animals.

Ah, now that takes the edge off.

Japanese girls just never put aside the whole cute thing. The picture I took turned out lousy because my cell phone does not have a flash, Yeah, I know, I’m way behind the technology curve.

Yes, I know he has always been a star, but now he has one. Godzilla was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. The requisite photo-op showed some guy in a rubber Godzilla suit lowering his star into place. Grown men and women interviewed at the ceremony were quoted as saying things like “Godzilla is my hero.”

OK, now I realize that I don’t live in the same reality as everyone else, but in my reality, this really makes no sense — even for Hollywood.

Who are they actually “honoring” here? The star did not go to the creator of Godzilla or the guy who wore the rubber suit. (Apparently the same guy did it for decades.) or the writers or directors. It went to a fictional character. In fact, it turns out there are actually six other fictional characters so honored.

It seems the concepts of “hero” and “honor” have pretty much vanished.

In fact, I think they really should give a star to Frankenstein’s Monster. Frankenstein’s Monster (Frankenstein, by the way, was the monster’s human creator) was a creation that took on far more importance and fame than its maker and ultimately brought about his downfall. And in much the same way the Frankenstein’s Monster overshadows Frankenstein, they both overshadow Marry Shelly, the actual human being who created them both.

Fantasy has become more honorable than reality.

It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid.

Etc, etc.

The upper floors of an office tower is not the the most stable place to ride out a 6.8 earthquake, but at least it’s reasonably safe. The buildings are designed to sway to absorb the tremors, so we were rolling from side to side long after the quake stopped. The sensation is quite like being in a large boat on stormy seas.

The damage was not too bad in Tokyo, but at least 19 people were killed in Nigata.

In the last five weeks I’ve been trough tornadoes, two typhoons and now a 6.8 earthquake.

…and I feel fine.

Well it’s the biggest typhoon to hit Tokyo since last mont’s biggest typhoon to hit Tokyo and they are shutting down the trains and rolling up the sidewalks once again.

Actually this one looks like it could be bad. Flooding, Trucks and light buildings have been overturned and 12 people are dead so far.

Rikkyo Elementary school has began using RFID chips to track the movements of the students. Whenever a student enters or leaves the school, the fact is logged into the school’s computer and email is automatically sent to the parents.

In any society, prisoners and children are two groups assumed to have very few fundamental rights, and particularly not the right to privacy, so this is not really an invasion of privacy issue. Administrators and parents both love the new system and feel that it will keep their children safer.

This is, however, yet another example of addressing a problem by doing something very visible and newsworthy, but which will have no effect on the problem itself. The RFID system was introduced after a number of high-profile child-murders. When asked how the system could protect students from such crimes the principal said quite frankly. “This won’t prevent crimes against children.”

Of course, actually making children safer is a secondary goal. The primary goal of such systems is making people feel safer.