I was in Hawaii on business and (Huh? Yeah, business. A friend of mine just started a company there and…look I don’t have to explain this to you, OK?) The odd thing was that in my hotel in Waikiki (Yeah, Waikiki. … Because that’s where all the hotels are, that’s why! My friend’s office was 10 minutes from the hotel and. What? Well, the hotel was pretty much right on the beach, but all Waikiki hotels are pretty much right on the beach. Look, it was business, OK?! I really don’t have to justify this to you.)

Anyway, for the first two days the only time I heard any English in my hotel was when I was part of the conversation. It was like I had never left Japan. Waikiki is basically Omotesando with palm trees. Row after row of designer shops and Japanese window shoppers.

Some clients simply have no sense of humor about their server installations.

Client: “OK. Should we create an account on the server for you so you can log in and take a look.”

Support: “No that’s fine. It’ll probably be faster if we just break into your system.”

Client: ….

I was out with a couple of female friends the other evening and overheard a girl behind us complaining (as only girls can) to her friends that her boyfriend was boring. It seems the heartless bastard was always buying her presents, taking her places and saying how beautiful she was every time they met. And her friends were commiserating with her!

I remember when I lived in LA we used to celebrate when it rained. It only rains a few times a year in LA and sometimes we would actually go out in play in the rain when it happened. I guess day after day of beautiful weather becomes boring.

Note to Self:
When you need to get girls to stop talking. Don’t just tell them to be quiet. Tell them to be quiet and listen to the conversation at the next table. They will then shut up immediately, completely, and protractedly.

After a two-year deep-cover sting operation the FBI busted Tarik Ibn Osman Shah, a New York bass player (obviously not an upright bass player) on terrorism charges.

Apparently Shah claimed that he could slit-people’s throats, was recruiting members for al Qaeda, and was going to set up a terrorist training camp in an empty warehouse to train al Qaeda members in “how to use swords and machetes.”

Uh huh.

Of course, in two years of talking big, Shah never actually did any of these things. He just talked about doing them. You know why? Because he’s a frikkin’ jazz musician! That’s why. That’s all those guys ever do. I’ve worked with dozens of these guys, and you’re lucky if you can get them to show up for a paying gig on time. If they show up with pupils smaller than quarters, you have a Kodak moment.

So Shah was Jazz musician by night and International Man of Terror by day. Yeah right. The tapes have not been released, but let’s imagine the conversation between Shah and the undercover FBI agent

Shah: “Yeah, me and Osama. We are tight, man. This Jazz thing’s just a cover. I’m really recruiting holy warriors, you know. But don’t tell anyone.”

FBI: “Wow. So How many have you recruited?”

Shah: “Well you know, it’s about timing, man. You can’t tip your hand with this stuff. Gotta wait till the time is right, you know what I mean? See that chick smiling at me? Yeah, I can smile at someone one minute and slit their throat the next. I’m a bad dude, man. You don’t wanna mess with me man, you know what I mean?”

FBI: “Got it. So how many people have you killed?”

Shah: “I can’t tell you that, man. National security shit, you know. Hey man, this is some really fine weed.”

FBI: “Um right. Good shit. So have you rented that warehouse for the training camp yet?”

Shah: “Yeah man! Soon. Soon. Then, it’s like the people will stand up for themselves against the oppressor. You know. It’s like he says. Allah and all that, man. It’s a hard rain fallin’ man.”

OK. So maybe other evidence will be forthcoming and maybe this nut really does pose a danger to America and belongs in jail. I don’t know. But if this loon is the monster that is supposedly hiding under my bed, it’s pretty hard to be afraid.