My time overseas has dampened my enthusiasm for American cuisine, and I was somewhat disappointed when I was offered conclusive proof that McGriddles are real. Insulated from American advertising, I had almost convinced myself that it was something fabricated by my expatriate French friends to make America look bad.

I mean, who would have believed that millions of Americans could be convinced to eat 560 calories of greasy sausage, egg, and a synthetic cheese-like substance sandwiched between two dense pancake-inspired buns impregnated with artificial maple-flavoring. Yum!

In unrelated news, a nationwide obesity study by researches at the University of Wisconsin showed that one in six adult American women weighs over 200 pounds.

Another mystery was solved today! For years I’ve wondered how complete, braying asses can stand to hear themselves talk when no one else can. The other day, mother nature provided me with the explanation.

Bullfrogs.

Yes, bullfrogs. You see, when bullfrogs croak, the sound is so huge and their hearing so sensitive that they should deafen themselves. But they don’t. They keep everyone up all night with their infernal racket and still manage to hear quite well in the morning.

The bullfrog’s anatomy is wired so that the nerve impulses from the ears hearing the sound and the nerve impulses from the muscles making the sound always arrive in the frog’s tiny little brain 180 degrees out of phase. The two signals then cancel each other out and the frog does not hear itself, or if the synchronization is slightly off, the frog hears a much quieter version of the croak than the rest of us do.

I think some people are like that. Their brains must be wired so they simply can’t hear themselves the way everyone else does, and so they go on croaking away while everyone else in the conference room wants to heave them out the window.